@Laser_Cat

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@Laser_Cat

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

@Laser_Cat

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

@Laser_Cat

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

@Laser_Cat

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@Laser_Cat

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@Laser_Cat

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.