You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.