Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
This is the one
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.