[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
You Might Also Like
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.