If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You Might Also Like
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
December birthdays be like…
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders