When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Me: In any language.
This is why I’m crazy.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?