@Lisa_Laughs_

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

@Lisa_Laughs_

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?