@LizHackett

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

@LizHackett

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@LizHackett

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

@LizHackett

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

@LizHackett

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

@LizHackett

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

@LizHackett

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”