@LizHackett

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

@LizHackett

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

@LizHackett

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

@LizHackett

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

@LizHackett

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

@LizHackett

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.