if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
“i am a sweet baby”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.