@LocalButtLiker

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

@LocalButtLiker

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@LocalButtLiker

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

@LocalButtLiker

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@LocalButtLiker

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

@LocalButtLiker

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

@LocalButtLiker

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.