@LostFelicia

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

@LostFelicia

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

@LostFelicia

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

@LostFelicia

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

@LostFelicia

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

@LostFelicia

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@LostFelicia

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

@LostFelicia

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

@LostFelicia

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

@LostFelicia

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.