Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.