@MNateShyamalan

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

@MNateShyamalan

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

@MNateShyamalan

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

@MNateShyamalan

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

@MNateShyamalan

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

@MNateShyamalan

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

@MNateShyamalan

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

@MNateShyamalan

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

@MNateShyamalan

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

@MNateShyamalan

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here