China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.
How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.