@MaraWilson

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

@MaraWilson

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

@MaraWilson

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

@MaraWilson

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

@MaraWilson

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

@MaraWilson

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

@MaraWilson

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

@MaraWilson

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

@MaraWilson

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah