Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone