These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
You had me at “define legal”.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.