Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.