@MarfSalvador

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

@MarfSalvador

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@MarfSalvador

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

@MarfSalvador

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

@MarfSalvador

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

@MarfSalvador

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

@MarfSalvador

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge