son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge