The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.