@MariyaAlexander Bed should get ready for ME
@MariyaAlexander @MariyaAlexander My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
@MariyaAlexander Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
@MariyaAlexander [trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
@MariyaAlexander People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
@MariyaAlexander Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
@MariyaAlexander My rap name is When i$ Lunch
@MariyaAlexander “I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
@MariyaAlexander More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
@MariyaAlexander They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point