*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!