I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”