@Marlebean

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

@Marlebean

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@Marlebean

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

@Marlebean

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

@Marlebean

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

@Marlebean

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

@Marlebean

Looking at a guy in great shape: πŸ”₯πŸ”₯
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

@Marlebean

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

@Marlebean

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.