@Marlebean

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

@Marlebean

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

@Marlebean

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

@Marlebean

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

@Marlebean

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@Marlebean

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@Marlebean

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.