Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Husband: You cut your hair!
H: It looks good! I like it!
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.