@MartinPilgrim1

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

@MartinPilgrim1

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

@MartinPilgrim1

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

@MartinPilgrim1

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking