Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Morning.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old