therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist


co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.


*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?