Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”