@Merman_Melville Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
@Merman_Melville @Merman_Melville (Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
@Merman_Melville (Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
@Merman_Melville At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
@Merman_Melville Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
@Merman_Melville Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
@Merman_Melville Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
@Merman_Melville I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
@Merman_Melville Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.