“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You Might Also Like
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was