I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.