I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!