Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.