@MoistPork

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

@MoistPork

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@MoistPork

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@MoistPork

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.