I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.