By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”