Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.