My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.