Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.