@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

@NotthatAdamWest

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.