Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?