@OBiiieeee

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

@OBiiieeee

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

@OBiiieeee

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

@OBiiieeee

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

@OBiiieeee

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

@OBiiieeee

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@OBiiieeee

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church