@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@OBiiieeee

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

@OBiiieeee

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

@OBiiieeee

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

@OBiiieeee

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

@OBiiieeee

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

@OBiiieeee

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

@OBiiieeee

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

@OBiiieeee

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

@OBiiieeee

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*