MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
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1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
LMAO
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?