I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude