I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.