@ObscureGent

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

@ObscureGent

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

@ObscureGent

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

@ObscureGent

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

@ObscureGent

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

@ObscureGent

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@ObscureGent

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

@ObscureGent

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

@ObscureGent

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.