@OctopusCaveman

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

@OctopusCaveman

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

@OctopusCaveman

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

@OctopusCaveman

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

@OctopusCaveman

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

@OctopusCaveman

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

@OctopusCaveman

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

@OctopusCaveman

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

@OctopusCaveman

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic