“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You Might Also Like
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.