[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
🖤✌🏽
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*