@OllyiConic

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

@OllyiConic

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

@OllyiConic

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

@OllyiConic

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

@OllyiConic

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

@OllyiConic

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

@OllyiConic

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

@OllyiConic

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@OllyiConic

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?