The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.