The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.