[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.