Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Put a ring on it
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies