If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”