According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it